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Reflections at 40
November 24, 2020
More Than a Smile
April 20, 2021


This Thanksgiving wasn’t the same because, since February 14th, 2011 my life, nor I will never be the same again.
Death came and took my Father away.
For some, that is hard enough, but for me, that is 100 times harder because he wasn’t just a Father, he was my lifeline, my support.
He helped me find the reason to breathe each day.
Just the words, “Wake up Danielle, how are you?” made me want to live cause I knew he’d be there.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my mother and son, but they don’t have the same effect as my father did when I was having a down mood.
He always felt my pain and gave me a belly to hug or his head to rub.
Now I feel like I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I have the worries of my family on me, but I don’t feel I can make it.
I have fought all I can with education and lost that battle.
I have been looking for a job and the word is un-hire-able.
What in the world is that?
I am not retarded, yet the world treats me as if i am.
Yes, I have a mental illness, but I don’t go to Job interviews letting the world know that.
I had a hard time but I've been fighting lately.
I have been trying to take care of everything including my mom and my son.
I just don’t see how it’s going to happen.
The government wants to help and give me money.
They say you can work but not too much.
Yet will give you meds to keep you stable, but will not give you dental, nor a hearing aid... what?
I have worked since I was 16.
I want to keep working to stay stable.
Limiting my hours will not help pay the bills.
All that hard work I have done, I feel has gone down the drain.
All because of the day my brain got sick and never went back.
I once had a high college GPA.
I had a 5-year plan.
I planned on taking care of my parents in their old age.
These days I don’t know who helps who more.
I often ask what's wrong? What have I done for this to happen to me?
Death and hopelessness have taken the soul and happiness away from me.
Less people were at Thanksgiving this year.
I miss cooking with you Dad, and all the mumbling and grumbling you did.
I feel like I've been faking it and taking care of everyone these last few months.
I am just burned out and need to be taken care of and I don’t know how to do it.
The happy, energetic Danielle is gone.
People keep asking where did she go?
I have no idea.
Even you would be like what’s wrong baby?
Don’t get me wrong I have asked God to bring the “happy me” back.
I even talked to my doctor and asked for my medication to be changed.
I just don’t know.
Since I have readers out there, I hope I get some feedback.
I never thought I would be single when I died.
I thought I’d have a husband to help me through this.
I lost you, but I feel like I've lost me, myself, and I.

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