What’s Next?

jumping from ledge to ground
Catch me Lord
April 4, 2022

Growing up, we always had Sunday dinner,
Gathered at a house or in our own home.
We went to barbecues, celebrated with friends and family,
Never feeling alone, always happy to see loved ones.

But I realized there’s a family missing,
Not always around, and it breaks my heart.
Not intentionally isolating myself,
I am the single mom, the youngest, the church friend, the caretaker.

We all stay in our own homes,
our own rooms,
But why?
For what reason?
I strive to maintain my mental health,
To raise my son,
to keep our lives in order.

I clean, organize, and declutter,
Only to see it trashed, disregarded.
I’m told what to do,
expected to act immediately,
Paying my own bills,
ensuring we have enough to eat.

I drive everyone to their appointments,
When they’re sick, it makes me sick too.
I put my dreams on hold for years,
Being the sole parent, the taxi driver, the cheerleader.

I was there for all the concerts, football and basketball games,
Cub scouts, boy scouts, and karate events.
But then,
I was told to quit,
Spit on, hit, and ignored.

I felt tossed around,
like a ball being kicked.
Everything is my fault,
nothing goes unnoticed,
But I don’t receive praise for fixing things,
My efforts to make this house a home
are overlooked.

Yes, I’m deaf in my left ear,
which makes me speak loudly,
And I depend on the state for financial support.
I’ve tried my best,
worked for years,
Attended college,
started my own company.

I even have T-shirts to sell as a vendor,
I’m a blogger,
a content creator
with my own website and podcasts.
I am a daughter, an aunt, a sibling, and a mother,
A caretaker with years of mental health training,
a multitude of certificates.

I’ve been a group teacher,
a home health aide,
And I have my own story
because I stayed,
Enduring mental, verbal, and physical abuse.
Treated as if I’m disabled, overlooked,
and taken for granted.

Nobody calls my phone unless they need something,
And it’s been years since I went on a date.
No one sees me, and I’m tired of being tired,
Feeling like it’s all just pity.

But I am loyal, faithful, and God-fearing,
So where has it all gotten me?
Walked on, mistreated, and ignored,
I want to know what a happy life looks like for me.

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